Morbius

Ten Second Review: Not worth spending the time or money on. What will it take for Sony to give Marvel the spidey universe back?

I had only ever noticed Morbius as a satellite character or an added extra in used graphic novel bundles. As a character, I can’t say I’m hugely familiar with his story or powers so I was a little intrigued. I must admit much of that intrigue turned to dread when I realised Jared Leto was playing the lead and that it was a Sony pictures film not Marvel Studios. Throw in Matt Smith, a host of release delays and a trailer that seemed at best a little confused, my dread had become near complete disinterest. It wasn’t the best way to walk into a screening that’s for certain.

Michael Morbius is a genius and has been since he was a child. He, like his best friend, has a rare blood disease and as he grows up, he takes it upon himself to find the cure. After an experiment using vampire bats, Morbius finds himself under the power of some new curse. He’ll have to find a new cure if he’s to make sure no one else is hurt…

Let’s just get it out of the way; this film is bad. It seemed to really struggle with what it wanted to be and ended up not really having an identity because of it. My best guess for this film’s problems is that it’s runtime spiralled out of control and the studio said hard cuts were needed to stop another two and half hour clanger hitting screens. The problem is that a film that was already fighting an uphill battle was then kneecapped.

There will be spoilers ahead, but if you’ve read the above and want to continue, I assume you’re less interested in the film and more so in the problems.

Starting from the beginning, we get a confused focal friendship between Morbius and Milo at a Greek hospital for kids with this rare blood disease. It should be said that Milo’s real name is Lucien, but he is given this mocking name by Morbius as he calls all the kids who have come and gone (supposedly because they died) Milo. Surprisingly we learn that the doctors also call him Milo and will continue to do so into his adulthood. Just good natured death humour with the sick kid. There’s a lot to unpack in these early scenes, including why the neighbourhood kids would bully the kids in the church hospital in a majority orthodox community, or why these two main characters have English and American accents. However it really doesn’t bare thinking about as it’s just a place for exposition that Morbius is a genius and has made a friend with whom he has a very strong bond in a matter of minutes (not that he bothers to say goodbye in person though).

A few years later we learn that Morbius is still a genius and still an arsehole, but Milo is somehow now a billionaire who funds all his research. Oh! Also their doctor from Greece is now his personal physician.

With little valid exposition Morbius charts a ship to international waters so he can do an experiment on himself that cures him of his blood diesease, but does give him vampiric tendencies. When Milo gets a hold of the serum the two will battle it out in a city wide game of bat and mouse. 

If that all sounds a bit odd, that is a brief snapshot of the first 30ish minutes. It is a convoluted and under explained mess that even with full exposition would remain badly written with a questionable reason for existing (and that’s being very kind). From the cuts to the jaunty shots, the UK filming locations standing in for New York to the unexplained powers and lack of any sort of mythos, I was just left asking “why?”.

The thing is, we all know why this films exists. Sony know they can’t make a good Spiderman film, but not making “Spiderman universe” films will loose them the rights to the property. The critical loss and box office break-even of Morbius is a calculated move and it only makes this film sadder to watch. It doesn’t have to be good, it just has to be. 

We have seen some relatively obscure characters do some incredible things in the MCU and when I saw that Morbius had light billing as a horror take on the superhero format, I was sold. There is evidence of that film here and while wholly unoriginal, it was a change of pace for superhero films. There was a brief moment where I thought they were going to run with a gay love story between the main characters and I was excited. It was bold! That evaporated quickly and I wondered if it was in an early cut of the script (or even film), but cut to keep it in its expected lane.

If Sony are going to cling to the Spiderman universe, I hope they start doing something that is at least interesting, not just assembling a sinister six to fight a hero they can’t write.